Welcome my children

First let me explain mankind’s relationship with God-
We are not gods children, we are his pets, the earth is like a fish tank in the lords lounge room, he watches us with amusement as you would a goldfish, you mean it well, you sprinkle in some food but you are not there to listen to its prayers, you gave it water, food, and a plastic plant to look at, then you leave it to look after it self.
This is how god looks at you, he knows your big enough and ugly enough to look after your self, he has no time to listen to you sook about how hard your life is, he has bigger things to worry about like keeping the universe in balance and watching out for dolphins trying to kill him, so use the brain power god gave you, quit sooking and sort your own shit out because gods not listening.

God does not need your money, nor do I, god has a job, I have a job, god doesn’t give a shit what you do with your money, so don’t waste it trying to get favour with him, it wont happen, but god does like trees and birds and even jellyfish so if you want to spend your money on something to make you feel better about yourself plant some trees or donate to a charity for animals.

All gods creatures are equal in gods eyes, you are not any better than the ants you step on, you are not any better than the cow you had for dinner, that does not mean it is wrong to eat the cow, god eats cows too. He put life here and gave it the power to evolve, life then took its own paths as he intended it to, he holds no ill will to you for your choice of dinner, just as he holds no ill will towards sharks or crocodiles that eat people.

Dolphins and mimes are the only creatures that god holds ill will towards, dolphins are aliens from another universe that want to kill god and take over the world, god hates them, they are evil, and as a bentist I hate them and you should too.
Mimes are an abomination to god, he does not hate them but he thinks they are stupid and should find a real job, this is why he has forbidden them to speak, he likes it when you tell them to shut up, god has a great sense of humour, take Christianity for example, god has been pissing himself for two thousand years about that.

The bentist whilst knowing he is better than everyone else does not hold any ill will towards members of other religions, bentists in the spirit of god find them amusing, even the Christians and scientologists, after all where would we be without stories of zombie messiahs or movie stars to keep us amused.

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God has left us to fend for ourselves but that does not mean you have the right to be an arsehole, the bentist does not condone rapists, paedophiles, nazis, boy bands or arseholes in general, the bentist should not cause trouble, but he is not required to turn the other cheek, if some one breaks into your house and murders your family it is your god given right to kill them!
If someone molests your children it is your god given right to kill them!
You do not have the right to kill people over petty things like the football or religion!
You should do on to others as you would have them do on to you, but also, you should do on to others as they do on to you!

God does not care what you eat, who you sleep with, what colour your skin is, if you want to take drugs or what sort of music you like and neither should the bentist, if they’re happy and they’re not hurting you let them be.
The prophet bentaz does not take drugs, anymore, but I have and i'm not sorry, I am quite fond of a scotch and I smoke too many cigarettes, it is not my place to tell you what’s good for you, if it was evil, god wouldn’t have given it to us.
Don’t eat acid and drive a school bus, there is a time and place my child!

The bentist approves of homosexuality, even if is only for a love of lesbian porn and the fact that the more men that sleep with other men, the more women for the rest of us, gay people are not evil, they do not offend god, they do not offend me and they should not offend you, we are all equal under god. (unless you’re a gay mime in which case “shut up and get a real job”)

Marriage is a contract between people, it is not a religious act, if god was going to punish people for premarital sex the world would have a population of about two hundred virgins instead of billions of people who enjoy sex, and that should be proof enough for you all.

God would rather see you get an abortion, than see you bring unloved children into the world, there are already too many unloved, starving kids in the world, don’t add to them because of a superstitious and unfounded fear of god, god doesn’t like starving children.

The bentist agrees with the pastafarians that global warming is caused by the decline in pirates, there is sound scientific logic behind this.

Church and state should be kept separate, taxes have nothing to do with god or his creations, nor does god care who you vote for, politics is a necessary evil but it is not spiritually important, all bentists should vote, as all people should, I have no time for people who complain about the state of the world but refuse to have a say in who runs it, they are only one step away from becoming a mime.

God is over ten feet tall, he has a two foot penis, an I.Q. of six million and he knows he is god, he does not need your praise, anymore than you need an ant to tell you that you’re tall.
Sucking up to god will get you nowhere, no-one likes a suck hole, gods not listening, if you want to get closer to god go out and enjoy nature, you will learn a lot more about the glory of god by spending an afternoon with nature than you could spending a year on your knees praying.

God did not give you cancer, god will not cure cancer, god doesn’t care if you have cancer, so don’t pray, if you have cancer go to a doctor, doctors care about cancer. cancer was brought to earth by the dolphins, so stop donating money to saving dolphins and give it to cancer research instead.

There is no devil, the devil did not make you do it, if you did it, it was you, maybe your insane, maybe your just an arse hole, but it was not the devil anymore than it was the easter bunny.

There is no sin against god, he does not care what you do, there is on the other hand, right and wrong, it is wrong to steal some-ones car, it is wrong to set fire to people, it is wrong to break into my house and hide the TV. remote, but it is not a sin!
It is right to help old people, it is right to give money to orphans, it is right to tell me where the TV. remote has gone, but it is of no concern to god, he is busy keeping the universe in balance and trying to deal with the dolphins.

God does not care if you masturbate, admit it, you masturbate, I do and so does god, it is good clean harmless fun, every sperm is not sacred, a million sperm die for every egg that gets fertilized, it is a scientifically proven fact.
God does not hate prostitutes, they have a real job, unlike mimes, if god was given the choice between prostitution and being a mime he would be on his back with his legs in the air in five seconds flat.

No war is holy, war is a product of humans, it is a part of the laws of natural selection as created by god, but it can never be considered holy, god does not start wars, people do, a bentist should never start a war, especially in gods name, this goes against every thing I stand for.
For too long stupid people have warred in gods name, god is able to stand up for himself, he is over ten feet tall, has balls the size of watermelons and an I.Q. of six million, he does not need your help!

Bentism does not need a big pointy house for you to visit on Sundays, to spend time with god I recommend bird watching, bush walking, gardening or the discovery channel.
Although I would love to live in a big house with fancy stained glass windows and gold plated cups it is not right for me to expect any one to give them to me, I have a day job, i’m not going to give it up, I can spread god message and look after myself at the same time, religion is not a meal ticket, if you can find god I think you could find a job as well!

Heaven is in the hearts of your loved ones so treat them well, your not going to gods house when you die, if god wanted you at his house you would have been born there, when you die you pass your self on to the people who love you and live in their hearts and memory’s, passed on for as many generations as you deserve, if you are a good parent, friend and person you will be long remembered, this is why you should not become a mime, nobody loves mimes, they are stupid and should get real jobs!

There is no hell, only the hell you create for your self, if you are an arse hole (or a mime) and nobody likes you because of that, then you are in hell and it is a hell of your own creation, you will not go to hell because you are gay, like porn, visit prostitutes, you will not go to hell if you don’t give me money or you don’t  believe that some guy died on a cross, (because you touch yourself at night) only to come back as a zombie, you don’t even have to believe in god, he knows he is real, he doesn’t need you to tell him so, anymore than you need me to tell you that your real.

If you are an arsehole (or a mime) it wont help to confess on Sunday, if you feel bad about being an arsehole, “stop being an arsehole”, you cant buy your way out of being an arsehole but you can make up for it by not being an arsehole anymore.

God does not hate, I do not hate, there are lots of things I don’t like, there are a lot of people I don’t like also, but they are unworthy of such a strong emotion as hate, hate is as strong as love and emotion that strong is better spent on love.
Hate only breeds more hate, love breeds more love, I know which I would rather have in my life. (dolphins are the only exception to this rule)

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